...your Monday morning HOROSCOPE

Your horoscope for Monday:

You will be unproductive at work. Your mind will be too unfocused to care.

This will improve by Wednesday, when you experience a brief period of health and well-being before a download spiral on Thursday or Friday night.

You will experience a flair of creativity in the morning, as you attempt to explain your behaviour to a superior. You will encounter disbelief.

Be wary of stories that require long-term commitment. Blaming incessant puking on a pretend pregnancy will not bode well for future prospects, particularly if you are male.

You will be surprised mid-morning. Avoid sleeping at your desk or in the office bathroom if you wish it to be a nice surprise. Steer clear of any work colleagues associated with management or the hiring/firing department.

Procrastination is highly likely. In order to optimise your productivity capacity, spend your afternoon reviving old friendships on social media sites. It will be your best option for achieving anything today.

Lucky day: Wednesday – take advantage of the small window of opportunity before it disappears into another drunken demise.

Mood: unapproachable, erratic.

Love: wait three days to find out if your Saturday-night affair turns into something more. Stalking is not encouraged except in the form of social media.

Health and Wellness: your idea to consume a greasy burger and fries will not resolve your nausea. You will work hard in the afternoon to keep it down.

Lucky number: 2 (the number of days it will take you to recover).

Single socks are good for nothing (image: wikipedia)

Dear Sock Monster,

Hi. We both know you’re not going to read this. Either because you don’t exist, or you’re too busy munching all my socks.

I’ll get to the point, then. I’m pissed at you. I’ve just finished a load and realised you’ve stolen my expensive, designer sock. I only had the one pair, you know. How am I going to impress my date with classy taste? If I don’t get laid tomorrow night, I blame you entirely. And don’t tell me I’m out of my league.

I’ve had enough of your erratic behaviour. I’ve got so many single socks, I almost believed the leftovers were mating and producing one-of-a-kind offspring. Almost. But I know it was you.

I tried to fool you by buying all the same socks. Ha! But I’m still always left with an odd number. Why couldn’t you just leave it alone? I bet your childhood was real twisted.

Ok, I’m sorry, that was mean. But, can’t you satisfy your sadistic sock fantasies on the old and hole-y ones? Or at least, any of the ones that my deranged ex-lover keeps leaving here to give him an excuse to come back? Given what happened the last time, I thought you’d be the first one to want to get rid of him. That is, if you live in the washing machine.

All I’m asking for is a bit of respect. There are many children in the world who don’t even have a single sock to wear. And by my count, you’ve got at least 19. That’s just greedy. Think of the children.

I give you three days before I call the police. Or a lawyer. Or at least my mum.

Whatever. I know where you live.

P.S. I know it was you who ripped that hole in my sweater.

...'tis the season to commercialise the LEAP YEAR

It's a lucky Leap Year for ladies (image: wikipedia)

Have you organised your Leap Year Party? Of course with colourful party hats and a banner shouting ‘Happy Leap Year” across your lounge room wall! Oh.

You didn’t. That’s a shame.

Leap Years are highly underrated. February 29^thshould be encased in mystic and magic. It’s the day our planet realigns to the sun and seasons and ladies are allowed to propose by tradition. And we all know, technically speaking, that leap year babies age 4-times slower than normal human beings. What can we expect from a day that doesn’t really exist?

Primary school children can tell you how a Leap Year is calculated. It’s the solution to the extra .242 that’s left flying around time-space, waiting to be used up when the calendar allows it. And so, as 2012 is divisible by four and four hundred (as the Gregorian algorithm dictates), it’s time to celebrate another Leap Year. HAPPY LEAP YEAR!!!!!

With modernity knocking at our doors, and scientists trying to dispute Einstein’s theory, perhaps the Leap Year should be adapted to suit our self-indulging culture. What’s in it for us anyway?

Maybe the extra .242 should be based on a flexible accumulation theory. People can be free to choose when they take their Leap Year day.

“Boss?”

“Yeh?”

“I won’t be able to come in today. It’s my leap-year day”.

“Oh. Happy Leap Year then.”

“Thanks.”

And of course, you could accumulate your Leap Years over a lifetime. You could wait until you’ve accumulated enough Leap Years to take a week’s holiday. It would only take 20 years.

In failing to get government and business support, the very least we could do is commercialise it. Considering the commercial state of Christmas and Valentine’s Day, I’m surprised the Leap Year has been neglected. People don’t even throw ‘Leap Year Parties’.

Therefore, the following rules are in order:

• A Leap Year now equals the hype/status/importance of New Year – only four times as massive due to its rarity of occurrence. Someone get some fireworks!
• Start adopting stock celebratory phrases when identifying with a Leap Year. “Hip hip hooray, it’s a leap year day’, “ Happy loopy Leap Year!” or “Leap Leap hooray” would be appropriate.
• Any wishes made on Leap Year Day will come true (starting from…now). Just make a wish while holding one finger on a toad, licking bat’s blood, and jumping over a lazy dog. If it doesn’t come true, try again in four years.
• Get drunk. Really drunk.
• The traditional Leap Year’s dinner must involve takeaway that amounts to a week of calories.
• Gift giving is forbidden (as if we need another holiday forcing us to buy gifts) Instead, tell everybody what you don’t like about them.
• What happens on Leap Year, stays in Leap Year.

If you’re interested in Leap Year party decorations, I’m sell you some. I came prepared.