...your Monday morning HOROSCOPE

Your horoscope for Monday:

You will be unproductive at work. Your mind will be too unfocused to care.

This will improve by Wednesday, when you experience a brief period of health and well-being before a download spiral on Thursday or Friday night.

You will experience a flair of creativity in the morning, as you attempt to explain your behaviour to a superior. You will encounter disbelief.

Be wary of stories that require long-term commitment. Blaming incessant puking on a pretend pregnancy will not bode well for future prospects, particularly if you are male.

You will be surprised mid-morning. Avoid sleeping at your desk or in the office bathroom if you wish it to be a nice surprise. Steer clear of any work colleagues associated with management or the hiring/firing department.

Procrastination is highly likely. In order to optimise your productivity capacity, spend your afternoon reviving old friendships on social media sites. It will be your best option for achieving anything today.

Lucky day: Wednesday – take advantage of the small window of opportunity before it disappears into another drunken demise.

Mood: unapproachable, erratic.

Love: wait three days to find out if your Saturday-night affair turns into something more. Stalking is not encouraged except in the form of social media.

Health and Wellness: your idea to consume a greasy burger and fries will not resolve your nausea. You will work hard in the afternoon to keep it down.

Lucky number: 2 (the number of days it will take you to recover).