...special announcement: the day all holidays were NULLED

Expensive gift giving (credit: www.parenbonjour.com)

Celebrating gets expensive. Especially when you feel the pressure to surpass the price tag of the last gift you received. Don’t deny it – it’s an awkward moment when you feebly present someone a handwritten ‘massage coupon’, and they give you a shiny, new SLR camera (much to my horror last Christmas). And so the process starts. You find yourself unconsciously stuck in the ‘unwritten’ social norm of upward-gift-giving.

Fast forward several years and you find yourself wandering aimlessly in a gift store – perplexed and stressed – and looking at purchases you really can’t afford. Whether it be designer clothes (because you crossed the ‘non-designer’ line last year), puppies (teddy bears just don’t cut it), jewellery that sparkles (semi-precious was so two birthdays ago), or that new flat screen television you always wanted (I mean, they always wanted).

How do you stop the upward trend of gift giving? For those who freak at the thought of backing down, I discovered a list of mathematical equations (in my head) that devise the year you are acceptably allowed to scratch the gift-giving back to BASE ZERO. Do it – before you go insane and/or bankrupt.

How it works: it’s scientific fact based on unexplainable mathematics involving the day, month and year of each holiday. It arrives at the year you are not expected to give gifts, or other nonsense facts.

Valentine’s Day: no need to apologise for forgetting yesterday, it didn’t exist!

14 – 02 – 12 = 0

Easter: give yourself this many Easter eggs this year (held on April 8).

08 + 04 + 12 = 24

Check how many eggs you must eat every year here to abide by this highly accurate equation.

(image: wikipedia)

Christmas: you can afford to spend big this year, ‘cos next year’s Christmas is back to base zero. Just in time for Europe’s crisis.

25 – 12 – 13 = 0

Your parent’s birthdays: to be fair, the permanent record is set at base zero, except in the following situations…

(The year they were born) – (the year they were born) + 40 = 40

Interchangeable with +50, +60, +70 +80, +90, +100 (unless they turn senile, then you’re off the hook).

Birthday of your loved one:

(Amount of years you’ve been dating/married) – (Amount of years you’ve been dating/married – 1) = one year of exchanging presents while you’re still trying to impress each other.

After that, you clue on that ‘coupons’, ‘home cooking’, or ‘sexual favours’ are cheaper and happily accepted.

Your child’s birthday: is allowed to be forgotten before their conscious thought becomes ‘memories’. Gift giving can acceptably stop once they first declare ‘i hate you’, ‘you’re so annoying’, ‘i wish you weren’t my parents’ and so on (usually in teenage years).

To avoid extremely fucked up children, you should probably start gift-giving after the age of 20 when they forgive you and think you’re cool again.

base zero: >5 and 15< until >20

Friends:  

F+R+I+E+N+D = 6 – (minus the description of what they mean to you)

G+O+O+D = 4

B+A+D= 3

B+E+S+T = 4

FRIEND (6) – GOOD (4) = 2 presents

FRIEND (6) – BAD (3) = 3 presents

Yes, bad friends get more presents. Go figure, you try to suck up more (unless they are an E+N+E+M+Y or B+I+T+C+H).

Perfect it they’re a B+A+S+T+A+R+D – then they owe you a present.

Can also be used for F+A+M+I+L+Y.

The Queen’s Birthday

21 – 4 – 17 = 0

Yeh, sorry. You’ll be forced to keep celebrating that public holiday until 2017.

New Year’s Eve

31 – 12 – 19 = 0

By which year, you’ll hopefully be sick of all those fireworks, drinking, late nights, and…. crazy, stupid fun. Hell, hope there’s something good on television in 2019.

Your own birthday

(insert day) – (the month) – (year you were born) x 0 = 0

No matter how secretive you are, sending yourself birthday presents is sad. However, using someone else’s credit card to buy your presents is just genius. And highly acceptable.

Happy holidays!

...why your goldfish had to DIE

Here fishy fishy (credit: http://goldfish.ornamental-fishes.com/)

I’m as sorry as you are that this post had to happen. But I was thinking about everything’s purpose in life, and I stumbled across (in my mind) the Goldfish’s Purpose In Life. They are meant to die.

I’ll put it in ten easy points, just in case it gets too overwhelming and brings back childhood memories of ‘Goldie’ or ‘Fishy’ or ‘Goldie Fishy’.

But, he/she (not that you checked) died for a purpose…

1.  It taught you the concept of life and death. Now it’s swimming, now it’s floating, now it’s flushed. Particularly insightful for those who plan on floating dead relatives down the Ganges.
2. It’s easier to flush a goldfish down the toilet than a Labrador.
3. Cats don’t like water. Particularly, toilet water.
4. It taught you responsibility. And that your parents will pick up after your mess, just like they did when you never bothered to feed it.
5. That your parents have limits and eventually get sick of looking after your responsibilities**.
6. It introduced you to the power of persuasion. “But, daddy, I want another one! I promise I’ll feed Goldie Fishy the Eleventh this time.”
7. And handouts… “Dad, I need 20 bucks for a new goldfish.”
8. Because the girl Goldie Fishy met the boy Goldie Fishy and they made Little Goldie Fishies. And then the tank got crammed and they all died.
9.  You have to keep on swimming, keep on swimming, keep on swimming (there’s a life lesson hidden in there).
10. Because goldfish are boring. And you were always going to turn to boys or girls eventually.

**Also a good lesson in delegating blame, seeing they’re the ones who forgot to feed it/didn’t help you/let you down… All good phrases you’ll need later in life when you mess up.

…exposing the fundamental evils of the word ‘ALMOST’

Read on – you might almost enjoy this.

An almost jackpot doesn't let you retire

Analysing the word ‘almost’ brings a depressing discovery. Yes, we grow up believing it has positive associations, seeing adults constantly tell us as children that our clumsy skills ‘almost’ got us what we wanted. The praise is enough to divert our attention that we completely failed in our mission’s objective (even if that mission involves cramming a soggy biscuit into a key hole).

But do we ever grow out of this learned behaviour? Or do we continue to suck on the comfort of the word ‘almost’ throughout life?

Yes, yes we do. Just listen for the stream of ‘almost’ during your next (almost) success or achievement. Good for you, considering  ‘almost’ is really just a synonym for ‘not quite’, ‘nearly there’ and ‘you loose, loser’.

Face it. At a fundament level, ‘almost’ is just a feel-good word we reserve for losers. As in:

‘Congratulations! You almost got gold in your 100m Olympic sprint that you’ve been training for your whole life’. Yeh, but you didn’t.

‘OMG! I have five of the six numbers for the lotto jackpot! I almost won three zillion, billion, million dollars.’ Yeh, but you didn’t.

“I almost became President.” But you didn’t, did you Al Gore? Huh, John McCain?

You can see the predicament of pretending the word ‘almost’ is a positive thing. We use it as a Band-Aid to protect us from the tragic truth that we didn’t make it. It’s an emotional blanket that allows us to maintain the farce that we are really (almost) awesome.

Then again, life is about choices. And choosing how you define the word is entirely up to you.

Do you want the blue pill or the red pill?

I chose blue. And I feel really, really awesome.

Here’s why:

• I was almost discovered as the ‘hottest new actress’ when I played the lead role in a school play. I almost became a household name.
• I almost started a software company to rival Apple and Microsoft. I almost became richer than Bill Gates himself.
• I almost started the most successful blog ever created. I almost have too many followers to count.
• I almost discovered how life began on Earth. Darwin almost did too. We have a lot in common.
• I almost became a famous rock star. But I declined, given I had already suffered enough from almost becoming a famous actress.

And so, having so many ‘almost’ successful encounters in my life, I can say it’s a life worth living. The sense of achievement gives me that satisfaction feeling.

It’s nice knowing I’m almost, quite possibly, but not quite, the most awesome person in the world.

You too? You’re so freaking (almost) awesome.

...differentiating the 'happy people' from the 'HAPPY PEOPLE'

HAPPY people (image: wiki)

My sister turned to me one Sunday church session, rolled her eyes as chorus and clapping rang around her, and declared,

“I hate happy people.”

Given the context of being forced to spend every Sunday morning of your teenage hung-over years surrounded by cheery people who talked in high-pitched voices, you would be trying to gouge a hole to hell also.

It would be nice to say I’ve grown since that teenage angst. But it’s hard to commiserate with people who refuse to accept there's a darker side to life. You know, those Purely Positive People (bravo, yes, that PPP for short) who refuse to accept anything's ever wrong. You know, those really 
(fake)
 HAPPY PEOPLE.

But first, we should clarify the ‘happy people’ from the ‘HAPPY PEOPLE’.

'Happy people' are good people: fun, light, and cheerful. I like happy people.

Happy people walk the middle line of human emotional capacity - somewhere between despair and euphoria, wavering a little when they loose focus of the white, broken line.

Happy people add a little champagne bubble to an otherwise ordinary day. Everything's better with champagne bubbles.

But is there any need to drink the whole damn bottle? (enter HAPPY PEOPLE).

Never. Stop. Smiling.

‘HAPPY PEOPLE’ dedicate their lives to being Purely Positive People, as if world peace depended on their optimism. It’s not in their guidebook to be upset, fall to the ground in despair, or rave like a lunatic because someone rear-ended their car and didn’t leave a note. There’s no time in their schedule to break apart. It’s booked up with being happy all day, every day. HAPPY PEOPLE are unnerving.
How to identify a HAPPY PERSON:

• They speak in capitals to emphasise their happy tone from their HAPPY TONE. “Oh MY, it is SO wonderful to see YOU.”
• They speak in high-pitched voices.
• When they smile, they look like they’re about to crack.
• They touch your shoulder a lot. You have to hug them to make it stop.
• Their conservation is dotted with stock phrases like “look on the bright side”, "just think of the positives", “I’m sure everything will work out”.
• They have a “turn that frown upside down” poster hanging in the bathroom.
• They use toothpaste with extra whitener.
• They think ‘drug dealer’ is another name for pharmacist.
• You like spending time with them, but only in small doses. Very small doses.
• ...like 2 minutes, after which you start to feel anxious and unnatural. Your face hurts from fake smiling.

Of course, the world probably needs HAPPY PEOPLE to balance the depressed people. In a way they have something in common – they both walk on either side of the road (is that where the gutter is?). I suppose we all hang there from time to time (usually with the aid of drugs).

If you identify with any of the points above, perhaps you should take a Xanax and allow yourself to be persuaded by the following:

• We were given tear ducts for a reason. And rage. Feel free to use them at any time.
• That heavy feeling in the pit of your stomach is not indigestion. Stop pretending it is.
• Yes, your cheating/lying/stalking ex might get what they deserve somewhere in the far, far future. Then again, they might live a long and prosperous life. Why leave it to Chance? Chance is a bitch.
• Anger builds up like a pressure cooker. It'll find a way out eventually. That’s why mental institutions were built.
• Car horns were invented for the human race for good reason. And flick knives.*
• If we weren’t meant to frown, God would have invented Botox himself.

Do you know any HAPPY PEOPLE? Pass it on. It might help.
*Do not handle a flick knife while under the influence of Xanax.

...do you speak ENGLISH?

Let me try that again. DO. YOU (frantic finger pointing in their direction). SPEAK (hand puppets chatting away). ENGLISH?

That phrase makes me cringe. At least I have the decency to try flappy, exaggerated sign language first.

“No, that sipping action was meant to be a skinny decaf latte!”

And then there was the time I tried to explain ‘contraception pill’ to a Greek pharmacist by signalling a pregnant belly and putting a massive cross over it with my arms…but we won’t go there.

Only in the event that my little game of charades fails do I resort to the most widely used phrase in the world (made up statistic no. 1)…do you speak English?

Naturally, this is sometimes followed by the world’s second most used phrase ‘me sorry, I don’t speak English’* (made up statistic no. 2). Why is English so special? So special, that a vast majority of people find it necessary to even learn that phrase? Can you tell someone that you don’t speak Mandarin… in Mandarin? (That’s Chinese for folks who don’t get out much.) I can’t. And it’s the most widely spoken language on this planet.

Ok, it’s true their population of bazillions earns them that position. But I still have Spanish to drive my point home. That’s number two. And it’s spoken widely on three different continents (at least). Tu hablas español?

English comes in third. Unlike the first two statistics I made up, this one is actually true. Call my bluff here.

Now, I can understand the countries driving the global economy in the last century or so have been English-speaking. I respect how that has had an affect on the nomination of English as the ‘business language’. And I see how that means English-speaking people can afford to travel. A lot. But what happens if the Giant Panda takes over (I mean China, not the bamboo-eating animal)? Are we going to make the effort to learn Mandarin for business meetings and tourists, even if it’s just to tell them that we don’t speak Mandarin? Or, if my partner’s prediction that the Spanish language will takeover the world (um, yes, he’s Spanish), are we going to learn Spanish?

I’m going to guess a big fat NO (in a wild, insulting generalisation kind of way). Why?

Because English speakers are lazy.

There. I said it. And while I don’t have any statistics to prove my point, you should believe it (I’ll back it up in just a sec). I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but I’ll include myself in that wild, insulting generalisation if it makes you feel better. Then again, I do speak British English, Australian English and American English. So, you be the judge.

Plus, I have been secretly gathering proof while living as an expat in non-English countries for 7 years. Here is the extensive research:

Story no. 1: During a fleeting lapse in judgement, I succumbed to the pressure of becoming an English nanny for a superrich Turkish family (it’s a status thing/kids-learn-English/status thing). Among the hoard of service people (I said superrich, remember), the Turkmenistan cook spoke four languages, the Turkish driver spoke two and…I just spoke English. So, naturally I exploited my position and claimed the best job and the highest wage in the house.

Story no. 2: Hell, even just last night in a tapas bar, I was surrounded by a bunch of Spanish people who all had two or three languages under their belt – Spanish, a local dialect, and English. We conversed in English – I tried speaking Spanish but they asked me to stop (it’s pretty bad).

So, who’s the lucky one in this scenario? Them: 3. Me: 1.

We think we’re lucky to be English-speaking because it makes travelling and work opportunities so much easier. Go on, admit it – you’ve uttered that phrase at least once. My hand is raised in guilty acceptance.

But it also means we’re never forced to learn another language. And I think that’s a shame. Hell, I don’t even speak my grandparents’ native German! Most people in Europe are learning a second or third language by the time they’re five.

Now I’m forced to tackle the tricky Spanish language. At times like these, I wish I wasn’t born a native English speaker. Because English is so much easier to learn than other languages.

I should know.

I speak English fluently.

*I’m not sure what accent I’m trying there, but I promise I’m not trying to single out any race