...do you speak ENGLISH?

Let me try that again. DO. YOU (frantic finger pointing in their direction). SPEAK (hand puppets chatting away). ENGLISH?

That phrase makes me cringe. At least I have the decency to try flappy, exaggerated sign language first.

“No, that sipping action was meant to be a skinny decaf latte!”

And then there was the time I tried to explain ‘contraception pill’ to a Greek pharmacist by signalling a pregnant belly and putting a massive cross over it with my arms…but we won’t go there.

Only in the event that my little game of charades fails do I resort to the most widely used phrase in the world (made up statistic no. 1)…do you speak English?

Naturally, this is sometimes followed by the world’s second most used phrase ‘me sorry, I don’t speak English’* (made up statistic no. 2). Why is English so special? So special, that a vast majority of people find it necessary to even learn that phrase? Can you tell someone that you don’t speak Mandarin… in Mandarin? (That’s Chinese for folks who don’t get out much.) I can’t. And it’s the most widely spoken language on this planet.

Ok, it’s true their population of bazillions earns them that position. But I still have Spanish to drive my point home. That’s number two. And it’s spoken widely on three different continents (at least). Tu hablas español?

English comes in third. Unlike the first two statistics I made up, this one is actually true. Call my bluff here.

Now, I can understand the countries driving the global economy in the last century or so have been English-speaking. I respect how that has had an affect on the nomination of English as the ‘business language’. And I see how that means English-speaking people can afford to travel. A lot. But what happens if the Giant Panda takes over (I mean China, not the bamboo-eating animal)? Are we going to make the effort to learn Mandarin for business meetings and tourists, even if it’s just to tell them that we don’t speak Mandarin? Or, if my partner’s prediction that the Spanish language will takeover the world (um, yes, he’s Spanish), are we going to learn Spanish?

I’m going to guess a big fat NO (in a wild, insulting generalisation kind of way). Why?

Because English speakers are lazy.

There. I said it. And while I don’t have any statistics to prove my point, you should believe it (I’ll back it up in just a sec). I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but I’ll include myself in that wild, insulting generalisation if it makes you feel better. Then again, I do speak British English, Australian English and American English. So, you be the judge.

Plus, I have been secretly gathering proof while living as an expat in non-English countries for 7 years. Here is the extensive research:

Story no. 1: During a fleeting lapse in judgement, I succumbed to the pressure of becoming an English nanny for a superrich Turkish family (it’s a status thing/kids-learn-English/status thing). Among the hoard of service people (I said superrich, remember), the Turkmenistan cook spoke four languages, the Turkish driver spoke two and…I just spoke English. So, naturally I exploited my position and claimed the best job and the highest wage in the house.

Story no. 2: Hell, even just last night in a tapas bar, I was surrounded by a bunch of Spanish people who all had two or three languages under their belt – Spanish, a local dialect, and English. We conversed in English – I tried speaking Spanish but they asked me to stop (it’s pretty bad).

So, who’s the lucky one in this scenario? Them: 3. Me: 1.

We think we’re lucky to be English-speaking because it makes travelling and work opportunities so much easier. Go on, admit it – you’ve uttered that phrase at least once. My hand is raised in guilty acceptance.

But it also means we’re never forced to learn another language. And I think that’s a shame. Hell, I don’t even speak my grandparents’ native German! Most people in Europe are learning a second or third language by the time they’re five.

Now I’m forced to tackle the tricky Spanish language. At times like these, I wish I wasn’t born a native English speaker. Because English is so much easier to learn than other languages.

I should know.

I speak English fluently.

*I’m not sure what accent I’m trying there, but I promise I’m not trying to single out any race