…discover your mind-blowing, mutant SUPERPOWERS

I think my tights are tighter than yours (Image Credit: DC Comics (2))

 I recently discovered that real-life supermen exist. Yes, supermen, as in plural. You can educate yourself about them here.

If you like men in spandex, you’ll be sorely disappointed. The similarities between tightly-packed Spiderman, Batman and Superman are few. They’re not into that ‘save-the-world-hype’, or
seducing
 rescuing women from burning buildings. And they don’t wear masks: there’s absolutely no mystery as to how nobody recognises their disguise (really Clarke? Just a pair of glasses and a side part?).

But how they use their superpowers is their choice. If they won’t save the world, perhaps I should. Which got me thinking, it’s about damn time I worked out what my superhuman powers are. After much scientific experimentation, I have deduced which superpowers I have and don’t have.

Superpowers I discovered I have:

X-ray imagination: if I stare really hard at somebody, I can totally imagine what’s underneath their clothes. I think this could easily be transferred to staring at bank vaults (full of gold bullion and money, see? It’s working and I’m not even standing in a bank).

X-ray imagination (credit to http://chugginmonkeys.com)

Flying: it’s just the splat landing I’m yet to perfect. Worked fine when the fireman’s trampoline was underneath, though.

Spit-slinger: which is kind of like Spiderman’s web-slinger, only with projectile globs of saliva. Has a range of 0.26m. Very effective for close combat.

Snot-slinger: only functional in flu season. Combines well with spit-slinger.

Telepathy: this came as an epiphany. One day, when my sister was screaming at me for accidently prying open the lock to her diary, I totally paused the conversation and told her I could sense she was really angry about something. She agreed. And thus proves my superpower.

Physic powers: I have long been able to predict who is on the other end of the telephone when it rings. My accuracy rate has increased to 100% since mobile phones.

I can pick the slowest line at the supermarket register: This uncanny superpower doesn’t benefit me, but one I would like to give back to the world. If you ever see me standing in a particular line, choose another.

A graph that reasonably explains my ability to choose the longest line in the supermarket

The ability to forget everything: this is good if I’m angry with you. This is bad if you’re expecting a birthday present, or that I remember I met you in the first place.

Putting people to sleep (but not in the karate-chop-to-the-back-of-your-head way): are you asleep yet? I see it’s working. Wake up.

I know when to give up: this hardly seems like a superpower, and I was inclined to exclude it. But having determined that many people do not possess this ability, I think it’s an attribute to be proud of. I think I should also stop listing my amazing abilities.

Superpowers I discovered I don’t have (the hard, and painful way):

• While I like my showers burning hot, I’m apparently not immune to scalding hot water poured over my hand. My physic powers tell me I should avoid knocking over coffees.
• That’s all the pain I could handle. My power of knowing when to give up kicked in.

On second thoughts, it would appear my superpowers would also fail to save the world. Perhaps the real supermen mentioned before should just change jobs.

I mean, you’ve got Dean Karnazes, who can theoretically run forever. He ran 50 marathons in 50 consecutive days, and about 560km non-stop in three days – without sleeping. His superhuman muscles get less damage than us ordinary folk. And he has more blood circulating his system. It’s obvious, right? The porn industry would never be the same.

I see the light! A modern-day saviour (CRI English.com)

Then you’ve got Ma Xiangang, who can fondle live wires without feeling a thing. That would be a hell of an internal fry-up. With the ability to pass electricity through his body, he would make a pretty neat modern-day saviour (complete with angelic glow). He could, essentially, be a walking light bulb with a boom box belting from his shoulder. You know, draw people ‘to the light’ and other savior stuff. Just as long as someone plugs him in. He would also be ‘untouchable’ (literally).

I also imagine Stephen Wiltshire’s perfect visual memory could be put to better use than simply asking him to look at cities and crowding around his perfect renditions going ‘ohh’ and ‘ahh’. Like drawing a comprehensive record of all the snowflakes that ever fell.

Wim Hof could help him, who is cold-proof and likes to sit on ice for hours. His gift is all about channeling mental energy to not feel cold, so apparently no-one but him should remove the refrigerator shelves at home and see if the light goes on when the door closes. Nor should they climb Mount Everest in shorts and sandals, like he did. Maybe he can be a yoga instructor in Siberia in his spare time.

We’ve also go Isao Machii, who has superhuman reflexes that he uses to cut his fruit and vegetables mid-flight. He would make an awesome Master Chef. Oh, and stop world hunger.

I imagine your mind is now filling with the endless possibilities of discovering your own superpowers. Please note that all experiments should be done with the protective clothing of full-body lycra and large buckled belts. Underwear can be warn on the outside for extra protection. Masks are optional, but are advised to avoid recognition when performing stunts in public.

So, what’s your superpower?