...differentiating the 'happy people' from the 'HAPPY PEOPLE'

HAPPY people (image: wiki)

My sister turned to me one Sunday church session, rolled her eyes as chorus and clapping rang around her, and declared,

“I hate happy people.”

Given the context of being forced to spend every Sunday morning of your teenage hung-over years surrounded by cheery people who talked in high-pitched voices, you would be trying to gouge a hole to hell also.

It would be nice to say I’ve grown since that teenage angst. But it’s hard to commiserate with people who refuse to accept there's a darker side to life. You know, those Purely Positive People (bravo, yes, that PPP for short) who refuse to accept anything's ever wrong. You know, those really 
(fake)
 HAPPY PEOPLE.

But first, we should clarify the ‘happy people’ from the ‘HAPPY PEOPLE’.

'Happy people' are good people: fun, light, and cheerful. I like happy people.

Happy people walk the middle line of human emotional capacity - somewhere between despair and euphoria, wavering a little when they loose focus of the white, broken line.

Happy people add a little champagne bubble to an otherwise ordinary day. Everything's better with champagne bubbles.

But is there any need to drink the whole damn bottle? (enter HAPPY PEOPLE).

Never. Stop. Smiling.

‘HAPPY PEOPLE’ dedicate their lives to being Purely Positive People, as if world peace depended on their optimism. It’s not in their guidebook to be upset, fall to the ground in despair, or rave like a lunatic because someone rear-ended their car and didn’t leave a note. There’s no time in their schedule to break apart. It’s booked up with being happy all day, every day. HAPPY PEOPLE are unnerving.
How to identify a HAPPY PERSON:

• They speak in capitals to emphasise their happy tone from their HAPPY TONE. “Oh MY, it is SO wonderful to see YOU.”
• They speak in high-pitched voices.
• When they smile, they look like they’re about to crack.
• They touch your shoulder a lot. You have to hug them to make it stop.
• Their conservation is dotted with stock phrases like “look on the bright side”, "just think of the positives", “I’m sure everything will work out”.
• They have a “turn that frown upside down” poster hanging in the bathroom.
• They use toothpaste with extra whitener.
• They think ‘drug dealer’ is another name for pharmacist.
• You like spending time with them, but only in small doses. Very small doses.
• ...like 2 minutes, after which you start to feel anxious and unnatural. Your face hurts from fake smiling.

Of course, the world probably needs HAPPY PEOPLE to balance the depressed people. In a way they have something in common – they both walk on either side of the road (is that where the gutter is?). I suppose we all hang there from time to time (usually with the aid of drugs).

If you identify with any of the points above, perhaps you should take a Xanax and allow yourself to be persuaded by the following:

• We were given tear ducts for a reason. And rage. Feel free to use them at any time.
• That heavy feeling in the pit of your stomach is not indigestion. Stop pretending it is.
• Yes, your cheating/lying/stalking ex might get what they deserve somewhere in the far, far future. Then again, they might live a long and prosperous life. Why leave it to Chance? Chance is a bitch.
• Anger builds up like a pressure cooker. It'll find a way out eventually. That’s why mental institutions were built.
• Car horns were invented for the human race for good reason. And flick knives.*
• If we weren’t meant to frown, God would have invented Botox himself.

Do you know any HAPPY PEOPLE? Pass it on. It might help.
*Do not handle a flick knife while under the influence of Xanax.