...special announcement: the day all holidays were NULLED

Expensive gift giving (credit: www.parenbonjour.com)

Celebrating gets expensive. Especially when you feel the pressure to surpass the price tag of the last gift you received. Don’t deny it – it’s an awkward moment when you feebly present someone a handwritten ‘massage coupon’, and they give you a shiny, new SLR camera (much to my horror last Christmas). And so the process starts. You find yourself unconsciously stuck in the ‘unwritten’ social norm of upward-gift-giving.

Fast forward several years and you find yourself wandering aimlessly in a gift store – perplexed and stressed – and looking at purchases you really can’t afford. Whether it be designer clothes (because you crossed the ‘non-designer’ line last year), puppies (teddy bears just don’t cut it), jewellery that sparkles (semi-precious was so two birthdays ago), or that new flat screen television you always wanted (I mean, they always wanted).

How do you stop the upward trend of gift giving? For those who freak at the thought of backing down, I discovered a list of mathematical equations (in my head) that devise the year you are acceptably allowed to scratch the gift-giving back to BASE ZERO. Do it – before you go insane and/or bankrupt.

How it works: it’s scientific fact based on unexplainable mathematics involving the day, month and year of each holiday. It arrives at the year you are not expected to give gifts, or other nonsense facts.

Valentine’s Day: no need to apologise for forgetting yesterday, it didn’t exist!

14 – 02 – 12 = 0

Easter: give yourself this many Easter eggs this year (held on April 8).

08 + 04 + 12 = 24

Check how many eggs you must eat every year here to abide by this highly accurate equation.

(image: wikipedia)

Christmas: you can afford to spend big this year, ‘cos next year’s Christmas is back to base zero. Just in time for Europe’s crisis.

25 – 12 – 13 = 0

Your parent’s birthdays: to be fair, the permanent record is set at base zero, except in the following situations…

(The year they were born) – (the year they were born) + 40 = 40

Interchangeable with +50, +60, +70 +80, +90, +100 (unless they turn senile, then you’re off the hook).

Birthday of your loved one:

(Amount of years you’ve been dating/married) – (Amount of years you’ve been dating/married – 1) = one year of exchanging presents while you’re still trying to impress each other.

After that, you clue on that ‘coupons’, ‘home cooking’, or ‘sexual favours’ are cheaper and happily accepted.

Your child’s birthday: is allowed to be forgotten before their conscious thought becomes ‘memories’. Gift giving can acceptably stop once they first declare ‘i hate you’, ‘you’re so annoying’, ‘i wish you weren’t my parents’ and so on (usually in teenage years).

To avoid extremely fucked up children, you should probably start gift-giving after the age of 20 when they forgive you and think you’re cool again.

base zero: >5 and 15< until >20

Friends:  

F+R+I+E+N+D = 6 – (minus the description of what they mean to you)

G+O+O+D = 4

B+A+D= 3

B+E+S+T = 4

FRIEND (6) – GOOD (4) = 2 presents

FRIEND (6) – BAD (3) = 3 presents

Yes, bad friends get more presents. Go figure, you try to suck up more (unless they are an E+N+E+M+Y or B+I+T+C+H).

Perfect it they’re a B+A+S+T+A+R+D – then they owe you a present.

Can also be used for F+A+M+I+L+Y.

The Queen’s Birthday

21 – 4 – 17 = 0

Yeh, sorry. You’ll be forced to keep celebrating that public holiday until 2017.

New Year’s Eve

31 – 12 – 19 = 0

By which year, you’ll hopefully be sick of all those fireworks, drinking, late nights, and…. crazy, stupid fun. Hell, hope there’s something good on television in 2019.

Your own birthday

(insert day) – (the month) – (year you were born) x 0 = 0

No matter how secretive you are, sending yourself birthday presents is sad. However, using someone else’s credit card to buy your presents is just genius. And highly acceptable.

Happy holidays!